Captain Zoe and the Skycraft Pirate
An exercise in dialog by Jeff Spock
"Ahoy there! Captain Ruttlebog here, commanding the Messy Jester, out of Tatterscram!"
"Ahoy, Messy Jester! Captain Ferrar here, Fortune's Lamprey, out of Hub Harbor!"
"Excuse...the captain?"
"What? I can't hear you. Could you repeat that?"
"Your captain! Might I have a word with your captain?"
"I'm the captain!"
"But...but you're a girl!"
"What did you say?"
"Right-o, excuse me! No ill feelings, I should hope."
"Go on."
"Right. Er, Jennings! I should like to speak with Jennings!"
"With Jennings? Why?"
"Why? Look there! Have you not noticed that?"
"What?"
"What? Good lord, gir--Captain, the great bloody gash down our starboard side."
"Oh, my."
"Excuse me?"
"Oh! My! Did Jennings do that?"
"Yes, rather! The ill-begotten dog tried to commandeer my ship, ran us into the spire of the cathedral at Cinderswill, and then escaped with a priceless bag of extremely spicy peppers! Look, is Jennings there?"
"If he's a member of the crew, Captain, I'd rather give him the benefit of the doubt."
"If? IF! I don't mean to be rude, but did you or did you not just cast off from Hub Harbor?"
"Did!"
"Are you saying that you cast off without knowing who was on board?"
"My first mate, Mr. Carter, handles the crew."
"Does he. Look, I'm shipping ripe fruit, and if I don't catch the thermals over Spineback Ridge this afternoon I'll be selling it for fertilizer. So if you do have a fellow on board named Jennings, look to yourself."
"Why?"
"Because you don't look large enough to have a brig, and if he's on board you'll certainly need one! Fair wind, Lamprey."
"Fair wind, Jester!"
#
"Er, excuse me. Begging yer pardon, Miss, er, Miss Captain Ma'am?"
"Just 'Captain' is okay, sailor. And you are...?"
"Jenn...forth, Ma--Captain. Jenforth."
"Very well, Jenforth. Aren't you on duty?"
"If I may, just a moment. I'll be quick, very quick. Begging yer pardon, as it were, Captain, but who was that?"
"I didn't catch the name. Some oddball with a monocle that talks funny. Pretty craft, though--lots of gears and tubes. I wonder what he needs all that for?"
"The...er...Messy Jester, it was, perhaps? Captain Ruttlebog?"
"Yup, that's it, Jenforth. Thank you. Anything else?"
"Just that, well, I've heard of him, Captain. Dangerous operator. Very smooth. Rumors of smuggling, even slaving."
"Really? Well, that's good to know. So you think I shouldn't trust what he says?"
"Trust? Oh no, Captain, not at all. Dangerous, unstable, lying hypocrite he is, Captain. Nasty, mean-hearted, unforgiving, rat-faced martinet...uh, excuse me, Captain."
"Excused, Jenforth. Anything else?"
"That'd be all. Thank'ee for signing me on, Captain."
"Not at all. Just do your work and we'll get along fine."
"Hope to be of service, Captain."
"I can see that. Your duties, Jenforth."
"By yer leave, Cap'n."
"You have it."
#
"Who was that, Captain?"
"A rogue named Jennings, I believe. Calls himself Jenforth."
"What do you mean by 'rogue,' Captain?"
"There are two kinds of rogues, Mr. Carter. Those whose hair you tousle after you give them a slap on the rump, and those who are best left in leg irons in a confined space. He's of the latter."
"Begging the Captain's pardon, but you have referred to me as a rogue as well. Might I ask which--Captain! It was unnecessary to slap--"
"Mr. Carter, let's all keep an eye on that Jen-whatever-his-name-is, shall we?"
"I'll ask Grapes and Nasty Harry to shadow him, Captain."
"Good idea. Have I ever told you that you're an excellent First Mate?"
"Not in the last hour or so, Captain."
"Let it go on your record that you are an excellent--Mr. Carter, stop laughing please."
"If the Captain so wishes."
"The Captain so wishes. Take the helm. Keep this course until we reach one thousand feet, then level off and head west by southwest for Al-Hradi. We'll drop our iron and woolens there, then load ceramics and spices for N'dala."
"Very good, Captain."
"If you need me, I'll be in the hold with Mr. Shaw checking the cargo. Carry on, Mr. Carter."
"In the hold with Mr. Shaw? Very good. Aye-aye, Captain."
#
"Afternoon, Captain."
"Afternoon, Mr. Shaw. Has the cargo been secured?"
"That it has, Captain."
"Weapons locker as well?"
"I'm on my way there, Captain."
"Hmmm. I'll come with you."
"Is...something wrong, Captain?"
"Not yet. I'm just trying to stay one step ahead."
"One step ahead...?"
"Of trouble, Mr. Shaw."
"No reason to...Captain, the bolt on the weapons locker appears to have been broken."
"Ahhh. Looks like I was one step behind. I am perturbed, Mr Shaw. Go ahead and open the door. Carefully."
"Yes...here we go...nothing...nothing...ah."
"Yes, Mr. Shaw?"
"The weapons locker appears to be empty, Captain."
"What! The entire weapons--"
"Begging your pardon, Captain. I meant to say empty of people, that is."
"Much better. Is anything missing?"
"Missing! I should say not! I should... Actually, I should say that one cutlass and a brace of handbows appear to have disappeared. Oh no, oh my..."
"Hmmm. Things like that don't just disappear, Mr. Shaw. They get stolen. Ah, take your time, have a seat."
"Excuse me, Captain. Thank you. Warm day, you know, and I'm large-boned. Right. Anyway, I cannot imagine whom... or how... Captain, I did not--"
"Of course not, Mr. Shaw. Not you. But somebody did."
"I'm afraid I must agree, Captain."
"Hold on a minute. Let me think...Could you hand me my rapier?"
"Your rapier? Aye-aye, Captain."
"That feels better. I think I'll wear it for the rest of the voyage to Al-Hradi. Just in case..."
"The crew will talk, Captain."
"Quite right, Mr. Shaw. Hmmmm. Look, if anyone asks why, tell them that it's my first visit and I'll be presenting myself in full dress uniform to the Al-Hradi consortiums. I don't want to look clumsy with the sword on, so I'm getting used to it."
"Ah..."
"Why you are looking at me like that, Mr. Shaw?"
"Just thinking what a great pleasure it is to not be counted among your enemies, Captain."
"Thank you, Mr. Shaw. Carry on."
"Aye-aye, Captain."
#
"Mr. Carter."
"Captain?"
"A cutlass and a brace of handbows have been borrowed from the weapons locker. I don't suppose anyone cleared it with you first?"
"Not I, Captain. I don't find that news terribly pleasing."
"Let's keep our eyes out then, shall we?
"Of course, Captain."
"Very good. By the way, how's she handling? Any trouble with the new splices to the keel?"
"They're young windwood--very young. With all that extra lift we're having difficulty suppressing altitude. She's light, even a bit skittish."
"Set the dew-catchers, Mr. Carter. A few barrels of water should help to stabilize her."
"Aye-aye. Nutterby! Buckethead! Aft dew-catchers!"
"Aye-aye, sir!"
"Aye-aye, sir!
"Anything else of note, Mr. Carter?"
"Not for now, Captain. We have a good wind for Al-Hradi."
"Hmmm, you're right. I hadn't noticed belowdecks. We're doing about seventeen knots."
"That seems unlikely, Captain."
"It's hard to tell in weather this clear. But we're definitely making seventeen knots and... in fact... we're moving too far north of our desired course. Head south-southwest until, oh, five bells."
"Begging the Captain's pardon, but I don't think that's necessary."
"Trust me. I'm sure."
"Captain, I have served on skycraft since--"
"Yes, since the age of twelve. I know. But I--"
"Grew up on one. I know. But I still say--"
"Halloo belowdecks! Navigator!"
"Halloo, Captain?"
"Open the floorboards! Check our position, please."
"Captain, you don't need to bother the Navigator. I am sure that we are on course. I would not risk losing time by--"
"Halloo, the poop! Captain!"
"Halloo, belowdecks! Yes?"
"Al-Hradi lies directly southwest. We're passing over the Bay of Hireija. We're about three leagues north of the course we plotted at the Hub."
"Thank you, Chutney! So, Mr. Carter?"
"South-southwest it is, Captain. How do you do that?"
"The same way I always have."
"Of course. I'm just hoping that one day you'll be wrong."
"Really?
"Wind-sand-and-stars, Captain! Certainly not!"
"Carry on, Mr. Carter."
"Permission to request that the Captain remove her smug expression?"
"Denied, Mr. Carter."
"In that case, permission to request that the Captain remove her--"
"We're on duty, Mr. Carter. Permission denied."
#
"Captain?"
"Jenforth, isn't it?"
"By your leave, Captain, by your leave. Apologies for bothering ye, but there's a city we'll be passing over that does a wonderful business in scrimshaw."
"Really? Scrimshaw? Inland?"
"Yes, Captain. Light as a feather, beautifully worked. Could be quite profitable to stop for a few hours."
"Fascinating, Jenforth. Where would this city be?"
"If the captain could just step over by the rail, here. Over in that direction...By the way, Captain, have ye ever tasted one of these fruit?"
"Never, Jenforth. What's it called? Does it have trade value?"
"Known as Hellbañero, it is. Lovely sweet fruit--big demand in the large cities, ye know. Just pop one in yer mouth and chew, like this. Aarrr..."
"Well, it doesn't seem to hurt you, so I'll--WAAAAHHHH!"
"Over ye go! Ha ha haaaa!!!"
"--Grapes! What was--"
"--Man overboard!"
"You know, Grapes, technically, she's not a man--"
"Do you want to tell her that?"
"Hell, no. On three, ready? One, two, three--"
"MAN OVERBOARD!"
"--Who--"
"--The Captain? Gods, no!"
"--Luff the sails! Loose the sheets! Man over--"
"Shutup, you lot. Shut up! All right then, ye've got a new Captain! You there, are you Carter?"
"Mr. Carter, yes, First Mate, and I'd appreciate your pointing that thing elsewhere."
"I've heard that yer sweet on the ex-Captain. Now yer shipping with me, bucko, and if I hear one word out of you it's 'whoosh,' if you catch my drift."
"Whoosh, is it, then?"
"Shut up! Muster the crew. Now!"
"This is the First Mate! All hands on deck! All--"
"All right lads, listen up! I'm but a scurvy dog like you lot-- Yar, what is it there?"
"We have some limes, if you need--"
"Shut up! All right then, mateys. I've got a fast ship here, and I'll bet yer a willin' crew. Yer tired of taking orders from a slip of a blonde girl, no doubt, and none of ye dare hold yer head up when ye tell yer mates who yer shipping with. Well, that's over now, for I've just sent yer Captain down to Davy Jones' pasture--"
"--I thought Davy lived closer to Epswindle--"
"Shut up, I say! My name is Jennings, Black Jack Jennings, the last and most larcenous of a long line of pirates and smugglers. Come with me, lads, and together we'll steal the booty of the thirty-two worlds and make the clouds weep blood! Har har har! Har har har! Har har, uh, hey! Are ye with me?"
"--Well--"
"--I, er--"
"--got something in me eye, there--"
"--couldn't quite hear you at the back, begging your pardon, Mr. Scurvy--"
"(What d'ye think, Grapes?)"
"(She'll be comin' back, mark my words)."
"(Wotcha mean, like the chef's Lentil Surprise?)"
"(Worse, if she's angry.)"
"(Ooooohhhh...)"
--like to see this bounder try to pilot his way through a lightning storm with ripped sails like the Captain--"
"Hey! I'm the Captain, get it? I'm the one who's commandin' the ship now, right?"
"(Hey! Who's that sneaking over the rail?)"
"--Look! Look! It's the--"
"Might I interrupt, Jennings?"
"You! I tossed you over the side! How did you get here?"
"Safety first, you ill-mannered pestiferous slug. You see this? Steam-treated windwood woven into a safety vest. All the officers wear them."
"Cor, that's a--"
"Brilliant idea. I know, it was mine. En garde!"
"En garde? En garde? Whoo hoo! Hah haaa! You think you can--Ow!"
"Get 'im Captain!"
"Skewer 'im! 'E called us scurvy!"
"Cap'n Zed! Cap'n Zed!"
"Aar! I'll toss ye all over, once I've finished her off! I don't need ye little girlies to run a--Ow! Ow!"
"Get 'im up 'gainst the rail, Cap'n!"
"Skewer 'im! 'E called us dogs!"
"Yer lookin' a lot redder than black, Jack!"
"Yah, that's right Cap'n! Over he goes, over he goes!"
"Enough. Enough! I don't know where ye learned swordplay, girl, but ye learned it well enough. Still, I'm not going back to any prison. Never let it be said that Black Jack Jennings was beat by a girl! I'll jump before I--urk."
"Oooo, Cap'n Ma'am, did you have to kick him there?"
"Criminy, the poor bugger's eyes are crossed--"
"--take his sword, eh, Chutney?"
"--grab the other arm, Grapes, and--"
"--got it, Nasty. Over the side, Cap'n?"
"No need, Grapes, no need. Need the...whew!...ballast. Mr. Carter, full speed...all spinnakers...the sooner we get to--'scuse me--Al-Hradi the sooner we can...unload this garbage."
"Aye-aye Captain. Damn good show, there. All hands to the ratlines! Climb you dung-smothered wind-suckers! All sails! All sails!"
"Cap'n Ma'am?"
"Yes, Grapes?"
"This fellow, here..."
"Hog tie him and hang him over the side. I don't want him smelling up my craft."
"With pleasure, Captain. Permission to give him a cheap shot or two on the way?"
"Granted."
"Captain."
"Mr. Carter?"
"Are you okay, Captain?"
"Just fine, thank you. Steady as she goes."
"Would you like to take a rest? It's been a busy morning."
"I appreciate your concern, Mr. Carter, but I'm quite well."
"Permission to go below, then?"
"Granted, Mr. Carter."
"Let me try again. Permission to go below--together?"
"Ah. Er-- Mr. Shaw!"
"Captain?"
"Take the helm, please."
"Right away, Captain. Oh my, yes. Certainly, certainly."
"Mr. Shaw, you are docked one month's pay for snickering."
"My apologies, Mr. Carter."
"Mr. Shaw, you are given a bonus of one month's pay for exemplary conduct during the course of the mutiny."
"Thank you Captain."
"Carry on, Mr. Shaw."
"You too, Captain. Both of you."
"Mr. Shaw, you're snickering again."
THE END
Captain Zoé and the Skycraft Pirate by Jeff Spock is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.0 France License.